A few months ago my mom decided to jump on the Netflix bandwagon (after like, 3 stingy free trials) and finally sign up for Instant. It’s safe to say that together our search results yielded (yeld?) some pretty awesome recommendation combos based on her recent viewings (the original Dark Shadows soap opera and Matthew McConaughey’s The Lincoln Lawyer to name a couple), and my frequent mumblecore picks and “Quirky Dramadies Featuring a Strong Female Lead.” Seriously? I’ve only watched Tiny Furniture three two times.

Is this not the poster for The Lincoln Lawyer? Sorry, my bad.

So you can imagine why it’s so hard to actually pick something to watch. I want everything. But also, it’s actually sometimes more fun to browse all the things that I can watch. Like, “oh! Melancholia! That’s supposed to be dark and ‘cerebral’ as Netflix is telling me… I should watch it. But am I really feeling dark and cerebral? Nah, I’ll watch Tiny Furniture again.”

“Why watch this…”

…when you can watch this?

Thus, Lars Von Trier goes on my Instant Queue. And then my queue gets more backed up than my constipated cat Melody and I start to get stressed out. There’s just not enough time to watch everything, but it’s all there waiting for me, and what if my queue has feelings like the toys in Toy Story and thinks I’m abandoning it? All the independent documentaries probably get really excited that someone is actually going to watch them and BAM they get QUEUED. Just like that.

“Dear god please watch me! Look at all the awards I won I DON’T DESERVE THIS.”

By the time I decide what to watch (that’s most likely not on my queue), I feel really tired and don’t even watch it half the time! I will admit it: I am a Netflix tease. I usually turn back to scrolling through tumblr, or building my Spotify playlist, or the tweet that’s been saved on my home page for 2 hours because it needs to be wittier. Or twittier?

I’m sure most of you who also have Netflix and other first-world-problems will agree. If Netflix were my significant other, I’d be treating them pretty shitty right now (besides the fact that they’d get $7.99/mo to be with me). So queue, I apologize for being so stand-offish. I will try to be a better subscriber to you. In the meantime, my mom will treat you far better by never actually saving anything to you at all because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know how. It’s honestly better that way.